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That little child will need every ounce of love and affection you have - and then some. My stepdaughter's mom is BPD - the child is now 12 - she's been in my care since she was 3. My husband eventually won custody after a fierce battle - BPD's cannot keep control - they may come across initially as lovely people, but the disorder will reveal itself one way or another.

Regrettably, there still is no legal end in sight for us. I am not writing this to discourage you but to let you know that as tough as it can be, YOU can help. My stepdaughter and I have bonded deeply and she regards me as her true mother. If you do not have custody, I would encourage you to support your spouse to look into this - or at the very least a very balanced visitation schedule. Your 4 year old lacks many of the verbal skills to communicate issues to you now, but this will change in time. The key thing is to watch for strange behavior. My daughter displayed extreme regressive behaviour at 4 and was eventually treated by a psychologist ... because of the ensuing legal battle, it was imperative to have her evaluated by a professional - and I am glad we did, because at such a young age, she was fragmented and there were grave concerns over her personality splitting.

As part of the custodial battle, forensic psychologists were also called in to evaluate all parties to the action - including me. It was this initial report that brought to light mom's BPD issues. Suprisingly, the forensics indicated that I was the best influence on this child because she sought my love and affection as safety net. Mom did not like this and has tried to indoctrinate the child against me - but young as they are, children do know when they are loved and care for. And the more she accused us all of brainwashing her child, the more of her instability she revealed - and the more the child pulled away. Unanimously, all experts agreed that a limited visitation schedule with the BPD mom would be the least harmful to the child.

Our child is older now and has just begun to reveal all the horrible pressure BPD mom has put on her over the years. Her instability and lack of clear judgement has placed the child in harms way and as she speaks up, we are preparing her case to terminate/suspend visitation... During these many years, the child has had a stable home with us and this has helped her imeasureably. She is an amazing girl who has adjusted very well over the years. It has been a tough run, but she is healthy, emotionally stable, a straight A student with a healthy social life.... Consider yourself as providing a safe haven for the child and should you ever see any signs of abuse - urge your husband to seek help.

So my advice to you is ... bear down, develop a thick skin and exude mountains of love, understanding and compassion to this child. Do everything you can to remove yourself from the emotional battle - it is hard not to get wound/worked up - BPDs have an inate ability to find all the hot buttons to push - so do try to keep your distance - simply for your own sanity.

Just be a loving, caring parent and NEVER talk badly about the BPD mom. Children are fiercely loyal and they cannot understand or see things the way you do. In time, the child will see who is right. Build a strong relationship with the child because this will be a significant source of comfort and stability - and the child will most certainly need it.

The best of luck to you ....