This is my introduction to this forum.
I've been married for 15 years to a woman with whom I have always had a rocky relationship. I have now had three friends and relatives who are mental health professionals tell me that it is apparent to them that my wife has some sort of personality disorder (though maybe not borderline). I've read "Stop Walking on Eggshells", and much of it applies, though not everything. The bottom line is that she is verbally abusive to our children, and she has great problems with regulating her emotions. She is also not able to function on her own. She is an at-home parent, and she needs to hire about 30 hours of help a week just to barely manage the 2 kids (ages 2 and 6) and housework. We were seeing a family therapist, and my wife blew up at her because she was trying to get my wife to find ways that she could take control of her life. That therapist told me afterwards that she thought that my wife could be borderline personality, but would not make a diagnosis.
Last year, we were seeing a couples counselor, and the same thing happened as with the family therapist. I agreed to stop seeing the couples counselor on the condition that we each started individual therapy. I did, and she didn't.
The conflicts between us and between her and the 6-year-old have become almost daily occurrences. Most of the conflicts I have with her are about her behavior with the children.
She does not have substance abuse issues, but she has other extreme behaviors. She is on a 100% raw food diet and has insisted on keeping both children on that diet. She has been doing infant potty training with our 2-year-old since he was 3 months, but I think that she's taken it to an extreme, sometimes taking him to the potty every 5 minutes.
I'm not completely ready to give up on the marriage, but if things don't change, I'm ready to leave and take the kids with me. I've consulted an attorney who says that I could make a good case for getting custody of the kids. My therapist says (and I agree) that it would be devastating on the 2-year-old to take him away from his mother, however beneficial it would be for the 6-year-old.
So, for now, I'm sticking with it. We're seeing a new family therapist (mostly for the 6-year-old, who has his own issues), and we're looking for a new couples counselor for the two of us. I may be wrong, but I'm expecting that the same thing will happen with the new couples counselor as happened with the old one, but I'm in a different place than I was last year. I'm working on my own ability to set limits and boundaries and enforce them. When I do, my wife reacts with outbursts of rage and thinks that I don't love her any more. She wonders what happened to the "nice, sweet man" she married. I think (but don't say) that he's finally getting a backbone and standing up to her.
If anyone has any similar experiences they'd be willing to relate, I would appreciate it.
-Daniel in Oregon
(oregonpappa)
I've been married for 15 years to a woman with whom I have always had a rocky relationship. I have now had three friends and relatives who are mental health professionals tell me that it is apparent to them that my wife has some sort of personality disorder (though maybe not borderline). I've read "Stop Walking on Eggshells", and much of it applies, though not everything. The bottom line is that she is verbally abusive to our children, and she has great problems with regulating her emotions. She is also not able to function on her own. She is an at-home parent, and she needs to hire about 30 hours of help a week just to barely manage the 2 kids (ages 2 and 6) and housework. We were seeing a family therapist, and my wife blew up at her because she was trying to get my wife to find ways that she could take control of her life. That therapist told me afterwards that she thought that my wife could be borderline personality, but would not make a diagnosis.
Last year, we were seeing a couples counselor, and the same thing happened as with the family therapist. I agreed to stop seeing the couples counselor on the condition that we each started individual therapy. I did, and she didn't.
The conflicts between us and between her and the 6-year-old have become almost daily occurrences. Most of the conflicts I have with her are about her behavior with the children.
She does not have substance abuse issues, but she has other extreme behaviors. She is on a 100% raw food diet and has insisted on keeping both children on that diet. She has been doing infant potty training with our 2-year-old since he was 3 months, but I think that she's taken it to an extreme, sometimes taking him to the potty every 5 minutes.
I'm not completely ready to give up on the marriage, but if things don't change, I'm ready to leave and take the kids with me. I've consulted an attorney who says that I could make a good case for getting custody of the kids. My therapist says (and I agree) that it would be devastating on the 2-year-old to take him away from his mother, however beneficial it would be for the 6-year-old.
So, for now, I'm sticking with it. We're seeing a new family therapist (mostly for the 6-year-old, who has his own issues), and we're looking for a new couples counselor for the two of us. I may be wrong, but I'm expecting that the same thing will happen with the new couples counselor as happened with the old one, but I'm in a different place than I was last year. I'm working on my own ability to set limits and boundaries and enforce them. When I do, my wife reacts with outbursts of rage and thinks that I don't love her any more. She wonders what happened to the "nice, sweet man" she married. I think (but don't say) that he's finally getting a backbone and standing up to her.
If anyone has any similar experiences they'd be willing to relate, I would appreciate it.
-Daniel in Oregon
(oregonpappa)
